God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle

One of the phrases I hear people say to me is "God won't give you more than you can handle" I am calling BS on this. Do not, I repeat Do Not say this to anyone, let alone the mother of a special needs child. I am here to tell you, its not Biblical, its not comforting and it minimizes my (and every other caregiver's) day to day struggle.
The Bible does not promise an easy life.  John 16:33 says "33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”   No promises about a trouble free life there!  There are some words of comfort.  Peace and Christ has overcome the world.  Still that doesn't promise that He is going to surround us with a nice cushy bubble to protect us.  When you tell someone "God won't give you more than you can handle"  you are actually going against what the Bible says!  We hear some phrases so many times that we just assume that they are from the Bible.  In fact, they are just cliches.

As a special needs mom, hearing "God won't give you more than you can handle" is not comforting.  Some days it feels like getting out of bed is more than I can handle.  Because Adam is on a vent, someone has got to be in charge of listening for him and his beeping machines all night long.  We are supposed to have night nursing to help with this so that David and I can get some much needed rest.  Right now there is a huge home care nursing shortage in Illinois due to the IL budget crisis.  We only have overnight nursing one to two nights a week.  That leaves David and I to do the rest.  David works five days a week and gets up at 5:30 every morning.  There is no way he can put Adam to bed at midnight (even on night nursing nights, the nurse doesn't start until 11:30pm) and listen for him throughout the night.  So through the week, I am that one that stays up with Adam, puts him to bed, performs his lengthy care and then listens for him to need help or a machine to alarm.  I am able to doze through the night.  I don't usually fall asleep so deeply that I can't hear everything going on in Adam's room.  David does this on Friday and Saturday nights so that I can sleep through the night twice a week.  Is this more than we can handle, you betcha!  I am exhausted all week and David is exhausted all weekend.  Some nights, I don't get more than an hour of sleep in a row!  Having to get out of bed after not completing a single complete sleep cycle definitely feels like more than I can handle!

When someone tells me, "God won't give you more than you can handle"  It feels like you are minimizing what I go through.  A couple thoughts are going through my head.  Grrr can I eat this person for breakfast? (If I am in Mama Bear mode)  I wonder if they taste like bacon.  I love bacon.  Oh and coffee.  I could really use some coffee right now, I am so tired.  Coffee would be good.  Fortunately, I usually suppress the  urge to go Mama Bear.  If I can't suppress Mama Bear, hopefully David is close by and he will save your life by reminding me to chill.  Most of the time, my first thought is you have no clue what I can handle.  You couldn't survive a day in my shoes.  How about taking a 24 hour shift for me.  I once had a friend who made a comment that she didn't understand why I had to always have handicap parking.  She couldn't understand why I got so upset when someone took the only handicap parking spot for several blocks.  We have a 8 foot ramp and I can't get Adam out of the van without a handicap spot with stripes for the ramp on the right side of the parking spot.  If its striped on the left side, I can't use it.  It is too hard to back into a spot when Adam's head is blocking my view behind me.  I handed my friend the keys, showed her how to secure Adam and gave her a list of errands to do.  I admit that I choose the hardest most difficult situations that I encounter.  I also offered to watch her three  kids for two hours while she and Adam set off to do the errands.  She asked if she could do an errand of her own with Adam as well.  Two hours later she came back and she wasn't able to get all of the errands done.  It wasn't quite as easy as she had anticipated.  She was a good sport and I hope that it was an eye opening experience for her.  She and I are still good friends,

The truth of the matter is God does give me more than I can handle.  A lot more than I can handle.  He hasn't left me to handle it all on my own.  God has provided an amazing group of people to support us and be His hands and feet here in a fallen broken world.  Here is a partial list of what it takes for me to handle being a special needs mom to Adam:
Six doctors- a primary care doctor, a Ear Nose and Throat Doctor, A pediatric Pulmonologist, a neurologist, a Pulmonologist for Adults, and a chiropractor that helps with his orthopedic needs.
Nurses-  We have one full time nurse, a part time nurse and a nurse that helps every couple of weeks.
Friends- We have so many friends that support us in various different ways.  Andrew helps with Adam's care, even though he is only 16.  Erin is our local emergency person and is responsible for kidnapping me when needed.  Adam's friend Seth fills in with help during classes if Adam needs him.  There are tons of other friends who come and go in our lives fulfilling various different roles. Sometimes bringing meals, sometimes serving our family behind the scenes.

Church-  Our church family has been so helpful in jumping in during times of crisis.  Often times, it's people that we don't even know that step up and say, I can help. Many pastors have given us their home phone numbers and said, "Call me"  Right now we have a special pastor that makes sure our family has everything we need at church.  She also takes time to meet for lunch so that the two of us can talk and laugh, and laugh some more.   I include CYT/Spotlight in this category too.  Perhaps they should be in the family category, though, Once you join CYT/Spotlight, you can never leave. Its kind of like a really good Hotel California.  You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.
Family-Our parents are a crucial part of our support team.  Mom and Ron will drop everything when needed to help with Adam.  They also come to be available for Adam, along with our nurses when David and I take a rare respite break.  David's parents are also invaluable.  They help in countless ways, including dropping everything and flying up during times of crisis.  Most of our family live really far away, but they help by providing encouragement and prayers.
Finally I can't forget my social media friends.  I have so many friends scattered all over the US that pop in to chat, to listen when I need to vent, to keep me company when I am exhausted and I still have hours to go before my head can hit the pillow.
Finally, God has given me David.  I can't even list the ways that he is involved.  One of Adam's favorite parts of summer is going to summer camp at Camp Horizon down in Bloomington IL.  In the past, one of our nurses has went down with Adam for the week.  Because Adam uses a vent, he has to have a trained caregiver with him.  His care is too complex for the volunteers at the camp.  This year Adam's nurse can't go.  David has had to save his vacation time so that he can go to camp with Adam.  This will be an exhausting week.  There will be no rest, no vacation, very little sleep, but David will do it for Adam.
So you see, God really has given me more than I can handle, much more than I can handle.  But He also has given me so many people that provide the support we need to live life and to enjoy it as well.
 So please don't tell anyone, "God won't give you more than you can handle"  Instead say,can I join your care team?  I would love to do ________ for you.