After my last post about me feeling like a very poor servant, I was bombarded with messages from God through various people. Before I share what I have learned, I want to pause a bit to explain the purpose of this blog.
I write my blog because I feel like it is my duty to use a gift that God has given me. God has given me the ability to communicate clearly to others. I feel like it is my responsibility to open a window into my life and the challenges of being a special needs family so that you can walk in my shoes. It is my hope that peeking into our lives and viewing the struggles that we face, you will be able to better understand the special needs families in your life. So many times people have told me they don't know how to act or what to say around our family. They are afraid they will say or do the wrong thing. Guess what! It happens all the time. It is not about saying or doing the wrong thing, its about the heart behind your words or actions. So many of the special needs mom's I interact with feel so isolated in life. They need you to reach out to them. Take the risk, make the ask. It is my hope that sharing with you will give you the courage to understand the special needs folks in your life.
Now back to God and the great big sermon He had for me.
Adam helped me set up my blog and he reads every post. I asked him for feedback. WHOA Nelly! We happened to be in the van and Adam and I were alone. Young Mr. Sullivan figuratively stepped up to the pulpit and began to preach. He spent the next 20 minutes giving me a sermon on "Do you want your praise from God or Man" Honestly, I sheepishly told him both. Wrong answer, I know. My little preacher man told me that as well. It really is hard to go through life truly waiting for praise from God. Can I just say it is really hard hearing spiritual truth from the same person you gave birth to?
My next message came from my dear friend Denise. Denise is my section leader at church. She and I have bonded and I love her dearly. God has placed her in my life. Sometimes I am not sure if she is my mentor, or if I am hers. I think we just walk along side each other holding each other up. We are Caleb and Joshua leading our own individual pack of Israelites into the Holy land. After Denise read my last entry, she jumped in with virtual hugs and words of encouragement on how she sees me serving others.
Next on the list to join in on the sermon was David. Now David is a man of few words. He doesn't say a whole lot so what he said meant a lot. He told me, "I read your blog, you don't need to feel guilty about me." Just a few words, but they were packed with meaning. He touched my heart.
Monday is my busiest day of the week, and the day when I am most likely to want to go hide under the covers and hibernate. On Monday (and Wednesday) Adam has a 3 hour and 20 minute biology class that goes from 6-9;20pm. This class moves fast and the teacher does not give a single break. The chairs are high and the pressure on my back and legs makes my back hurt so bad. Monday, I generally come home nearly in tears and all I want to do is grab an ice pack and head straight for the couch. This time, David risked his life by stopping me to chat at the front door. He told me he found something in the car. Next he handed me two envelopes. I opened the first one and saw a gift certificate for a manicure. I asked where it came from because I knew we don't have the money for such luxuries right now. He said that one of my Facebook friends had contacted him and made arrangements for a manicure AND a massage! (I am not going to mention her by name as I don't know if she wants her generosity mentioned. I was able to thank her via Facebook messenger) The tears of pain turned into tears of gratitude. She lives in China and I know she had to go to a great deal of time and trouble to do all of the research to make this happen. I will never find the words to convey to her how truly special her gift is and how much I really appreciate it.
Thursday nights are my nights off. David goes to Adam's night class with him and I get to stay home and rest and recover from a very busy week. Usually I talk to my mom for an hour or so on Thursday nights. She isn't online and doesn't get to read my blog. I told her about my blog and the very sweet gift from my friend. Mom and I chatted for a while and she and I discussed my feelings of inadequacy as a servant for Christ. The next day she called me for the final part of God's week long sermon. She had made a list of 20 times that she had seen me serve God. Most of the items on her list I had completely forgotten about, or just didn't consider them as acts of service. Once again, I was in tears.
This week the calendar told us to gather with family for a feast and to spend a day giving thanks for the good gifts in our life. I am truly thankful for a God that hears the anguish of one of his children and sends a whole army of people to show His love for his child. So to all of the people in God's Army who have blessed me with words and actions since my last blog post, Thanks(for) giving.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
The Serving Heart
Last night at church, the sermon was on Serving Everyone Always. It talked about how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples prior to his Crucifixion to show us that we must serve each other rather than trying to step on others trying to make ourselves feel important.
I left that service feeling like a failure as a human being and servant of Christ. Honestly, as a special needs mom, there is nothing left of me to give to others. My 24/7 job is to take care of the needs of my son. Anything that is left, goes for trying to keep up housework and being my husband's wife.
At a recent church event, a lady asked me if I served at a particular women's shelter. I am sure she was just making conversation, but (oops, laundry just buzzed, gotta go change the laundry) couldn't she see that I had my hands full? My son was sitting next to me, in a wheelchair, with a vent and I had just fed him his supper. When did she think I would have time to leave my son, my home and travel a half hour or more to help abused women?
Other times, I have felt guilty because I couldn't join my small group (oh wait, I can't go to my small group any more because my son needs me to be with him at his night class on Wednesday nights) in serving projects. They were going to pack food for starving children. Some nights I can't fix a decent meal to feed my family because I am too exhausted to cook. In all fairness to my small group, they have not made me feel guilty, this is guilt I place on myself that I can't join them. At times, they have provided meals for my family to help when I went an extended period of time without night nursing for my son (which means I have to listen for him throughout the night, sometimes getting up every hour or several times an hour)
Family can do a great job of making me feel guilty for not serving them as well. I have been criticized for not helping with Thanksgiving or Christmas meals. I was expected to be in the kitchen helping the women prepare food, or help clean up the meal, or wash dishes. It never occurred to anyone that I had gotten up early to get my family packed for a weekend away from home and taken care of the medical needs of my son. All of this after getting very little sleep. Add to that, a three and a half hour trip to actually get to the family. (oh wait, their house is not handicap accessible so I have to carry my son around, he only weighed 35 pounds, that isn't too much too carry right?) But you don't mind mashing the potatoes or setting the table, right?
When people come to our home, I am expected to be Suzy Homemaker and have a perfectly clean house, offer snacks, make coffee, prepare a meal, get toilet paper, etc. The reality is when you come to my house, you are going to have to make yourself at home. Get your own snack, make your own beverage, grab your own toilet paper out of the closet.(oops, Adam needs me)
When it comes to feeling guilty about not taking care of others, my husband is probably who I most feel guilty about. I feel like a terrible wife. Not only does he neglected at meal times, but a lot of the times he has got to help pick up the slack that I can't get to, or am too tired to deal with. No hot breakfast before work for David, he has to make his own lunch, and sometimes he has to fix meals for Adam as well. In fact, he does a pretty good job of serving me. He usually runs out and gets me coffee and breakfast on weekends before running to his part time job. He often will run out late at night to grab me a bite to eat when he realizes I forgot to eat and am now too tired to fix myself something with protein. (I need to have protein every time I eat to help alleviate severe protein deficiencies). All of this on top of working, going to school and helping to care for Adam. (pause to help Adam again)
I love my son. I will gladly give every ounce of energy to make his life easier. I do everything he needs and try to do it cheerfully, so that he doesn't feel like a burden, (he does feel like he is a burden, and that makes me feel bad as well) I do this at the expense of my husband and myself. My body is wearing out. I have injured myself bad enough to require physical therapy 3 times. Day to day, I experience pain. But I gladly throw the servant's towel over my arm to care for his needs. Unfortunately, that is all the serving I can do.
Now for a little me time. I really want to do my nails. Oops Adam is up for the day, I can't do my nails now. I really need a manicure, but that costs money and that is asking someone to serve me. Time to put up the nail supplies until another day.
I left that service feeling like a failure as a human being and servant of Christ. Honestly, as a special needs mom, there is nothing left of me to give to others. My 24/7 job is to take care of the needs of my son. Anything that is left, goes for trying to keep up housework and being my husband's wife.
At a recent church event, a lady asked me if I served at a particular women's shelter. I am sure she was just making conversation, but (oops, laundry just buzzed, gotta go change the laundry) couldn't she see that I had my hands full? My son was sitting next to me, in a wheelchair, with a vent and I had just fed him his supper. When did she think I would have time to leave my son, my home and travel a half hour or more to help abused women?
Other times, I have felt guilty because I couldn't join my small group (oh wait, I can't go to my small group any more because my son needs me to be with him at his night class on Wednesday nights) in serving projects. They were going to pack food for starving children. Some nights I can't fix a decent meal to feed my family because I am too exhausted to cook. In all fairness to my small group, they have not made me feel guilty, this is guilt I place on myself that I can't join them. At times, they have provided meals for my family to help when I went an extended period of time without night nursing for my son (which means I have to listen for him throughout the night, sometimes getting up every hour or several times an hour)
Family can do a great job of making me feel guilty for not serving them as well. I have been criticized for not helping with Thanksgiving or Christmas meals. I was expected to be in the kitchen helping the women prepare food, or help clean up the meal, or wash dishes. It never occurred to anyone that I had gotten up early to get my family packed for a weekend away from home and taken care of the medical needs of my son. All of this after getting very little sleep. Add to that, a three and a half hour trip to actually get to the family. (oh wait, their house is not handicap accessible so I have to carry my son around, he only weighed 35 pounds, that isn't too much too carry right?) But you don't mind mashing the potatoes or setting the table, right?
When people come to our home, I am expected to be Suzy Homemaker and have a perfectly clean house, offer snacks, make coffee, prepare a meal, get toilet paper, etc. The reality is when you come to my house, you are going to have to make yourself at home. Get your own snack, make your own beverage, grab your own toilet paper out of the closet.(oops, Adam needs me)
When it comes to feeling guilty about not taking care of others, my husband is probably who I most feel guilty about. I feel like a terrible wife. Not only does he neglected at meal times, but a lot of the times he has got to help pick up the slack that I can't get to, or am too tired to deal with. No hot breakfast before work for David, he has to make his own lunch, and sometimes he has to fix meals for Adam as well. In fact, he does a pretty good job of serving me. He usually runs out and gets me coffee and breakfast on weekends before running to his part time job. He often will run out late at night to grab me a bite to eat when he realizes I forgot to eat and am now too tired to fix myself something with protein. (I need to have protein every time I eat to help alleviate severe protein deficiencies). All of this on top of working, going to school and helping to care for Adam. (pause to help Adam again)
I love my son. I will gladly give every ounce of energy to make his life easier. I do everything he needs and try to do it cheerfully, so that he doesn't feel like a burden, (he does feel like he is a burden, and that makes me feel bad as well) I do this at the expense of my husband and myself. My body is wearing out. I have injured myself bad enough to require physical therapy 3 times. Day to day, I experience pain. But I gladly throw the servant's towel over my arm to care for his needs. Unfortunately, that is all the serving I can do.
Now for a little me time. I really want to do my nails. Oops Adam is up for the day, I can't do my nails now. I really need a manicure, but that costs money and that is asking someone to serve me. Time to put up the nail supplies until another day.
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