Sunday, November 13, 2016

The Serving Heart

Last night at church, the sermon was on Serving Everyone Always.  It talked about how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples prior to his Crucifixion to show us that we must serve each other rather than trying to step on others trying to make ourselves feel important.

I left that service feeling like a failure as a human being and servant of Christ.  Honestly, as a special needs mom, there is nothing left of me to give to others.  My 24/7 job is to take care of the needs of my son.  Anything that is left, goes for trying to keep up housework and being my husband's wife.

At a recent church event, a lady asked me if I served at a particular women's shelter.  I am sure she was just making conversation, but (oops, laundry just buzzed, gotta go change the laundry) couldn't she see that I had my hands full?  My son was sitting next to me, in a wheelchair, with a vent and I had just fed him his supper.  When did she think I would have time to leave my son, my home and travel a half hour or more to help abused women?

Other times, I have felt guilty because I couldn't join my small group (oh wait, I can't go to my small group any more because my son needs me to be with him at his night class on Wednesday nights) in serving projects.  They were going to pack food for starving children.  Some nights I can't fix a decent meal to feed my family because I am too exhausted to cook.  In all fairness to my small group, they have not made me feel guilty, this is guilt I place on myself that I can't join them.  At times, they have provided meals for my family to help when I went an extended period of time without night nursing for my son (which means I have to listen for him throughout the night, sometimes getting up every hour or several times an hour)

Family can do a great job of making me feel guilty for not serving them as well.  I have been criticized for not helping with Thanksgiving or Christmas meals.  I was expected to be in the kitchen helping the women prepare food, or help clean up the meal, or wash dishes.  It never occurred to anyone that I had gotten up early to get my family packed for a weekend away from home and  taken care of the medical needs of my son.  All of this after getting very little sleep. Add to that, a three and a half hour trip to actually get to the family.  (oh wait, their house is not handicap accessible so I have to carry my son around, he only weighed 35 pounds, that isn't too much too carry right?)   But you don't mind mashing the potatoes or setting the table, right?

When people come to our home, I am expected to be Suzy Homemaker and have a perfectly clean house, offer snacks, make coffee, prepare a meal,  get toilet paper, etc.  The reality is when you come to my house, you are going to have to make yourself at home.  Get your own snack, make your own beverage, grab your own toilet paper out of the closet.(oops, Adam needs me)

When it comes to feeling guilty about not taking care of others, my husband is probably who I most feel guilty about.  I feel like a terrible wife.  Not only does he neglected at meal times, but a lot of the times he has got to help pick up the slack that I can't get to, or am too tired to deal with.  No hot breakfast before work for David, he has to make his own lunch, and sometimes he has to fix meals for Adam as well.  In fact, he does a pretty good job of serving me.  He usually runs out and gets me coffee and breakfast on weekends before running to his part time job.  He often will run out late at night to grab me a bite to eat when he realizes I forgot to eat and am now too tired to fix myself something with protein. (I need to have protein every time I eat to help alleviate severe protein deficiencies).  All of this on top of working, going to school and helping to care for Adam. (pause to help Adam again)

I love my son.  I will gladly give every ounce of energy to make his life easier.  I do everything he needs and try to do it cheerfully, so that he doesn't feel like a burden, (he does feel like he is  a burden, and that makes me feel bad as well)  I do this at the expense of my husband and myself.  My body is wearing out.  I have injured myself bad enough to require physical therapy 3 times.  Day to day, I experience pain.  But I gladly throw the servant's towel over my arm to care for his needs.  Unfortunately, that is all the serving I can do.

Now for a little me time.  I really want to do my nails.  Oops Adam is up for the day, I can't do my nails now.  I really need a manicure, but that costs money and that is asking someone to serve me.  Time to put up the nail supplies until another day.


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